Here is one of the best bits of
advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships. “If there is any
one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point
of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
That is so simple, so obvious,
that anyone ought to see the truth of it at a glance; yet 90 percent of the
people on this earth ignore it 90 percent of the time.
Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Benefits of habit “See things
from other’s perspective”
✓ Helps gain new perspective
✓ Helps understand others better
✓ Helps find ways to help people out
✓ Reduces chances of conflicts
Conflict is part of human interaction. Political foes, business rivals and arch enemies disagree and fight one another bitterly because of mutually exclusive interests. A win-win situation is sometimes not possible. Naturally, one will try to find out more about the opponent to predict or pre-empt his action. The purpose is to strategise and win in a zero-sum game.
Even partners will face
conflict, although the situation is very different from that faced by foes. Partners
who share many similar interests, goals and values can sometimes find
themselves in disagreement.
Differences and disagreements
can occur between partners or people in close working, social or family
relationships. We can all recall experiences of conflict with a boss we
respect, a colleague we like, a close friend we confide in or a family member
we love, or even with a politician we support.
When partners are in conflict,
it is constructive to do less political strategising and more perspective-taking
- by which I mean to consider how things appear to the other party. It helps to
be inclusive and interactive.
MISTAKING A PERSPECTIVE
There are two main pitfalls to
avoid when we try to take another person's perspective.
The first is the
overconfidence that we are succeeding in seeing things from another person's
perspective, especially when we honestly tried.
Recall the time when our
partner was displeased with our gift and doubly upset that we did not try to
understand what he or she wants. The fact is we did try to take our partner's
perspective, but ended up with a mistaken one.
Research has found that people
are highly inaccurate when they infer what a person is thinking or feeling by
observing the person's facial expressions and behaviours.
More importantly, people are
overconfident that they have managed to get the person's perspective right, as
shown by their own assessment of their accuracy.
The second pitfall is
uncritically treating another person's perspective as valid and using it to
manage the disagreement. When the perspective is based on mistaken assumptions,
the consequence is often a misleading conclusion and missing the real issues.
For example, a perspective on
an incident may assume that a leader had access to a critical piece of
information when he made a decision.
If this assumption is factually
false but not corrected or questioned, the disagreements could end up with
judgments about integrity when the real issue could be information flow.
It is politically correct to
say we respect different perspectives. It takes personal conviction and political
courage to state the pros and cons of each perspective, especially the degree
to which it is valid or invalid.
To be a true success we must
possess masterful people skills. The key to successful relationships lies
solely in our ability to take the perspective of another. Perspective taking is
that all important skill of being able to look at things from a point of view
other than our own. Perspective taking brings in the mindfulness of compassion
and empathy to our relationships. When these two qualities are present in our
interactions mutual respect, success and movement forward is guaranteed.
POSITIVE HABITS IN
PERSPECTIVE-TAKING
In addition to avoiding
overconfidence and uncritical acceptance, we can adopt three positive habits in
perspective-taking.
1. Be inclusive.
Honestly consider other perspectives that are very different from our own.
When we compare opposing
perspectives, we may discover similarities. When we find differences, we can
see if their different strengths and weaknesses can compensate and complement
each other. Drawing on both perspectives, a new and better perspective may
emerge.
Ironically, inclusivity may be
most important when disagreements between perspectives are based on strong
values and principles. We believe in integrity, fairness, meritocracy, racial
and religious harmony, accountability and rule of law. When we vigorously
pursue our own perspective driven by one of these values or principles, could
it be that the person we have a disagreement with is motivated by some of the
other values and principles that are also dear to us?
So, we should pay attention to
how a value or principle is applied to the specific context, and consider how
other values and principles may be relevant.
We can also be mindful that
when our perspective is dominated by a value or principle, we may end up
arguing or behaving in a way that is not as valued-based or principled as we
should be.
2. Think of others.
Whenever we are in the
presence of another it is natural to think about what they may be thinking (if
we are not self-centered). We observe them instinctively and notice subtleties
such as what they are doing, where they are looking, and what their body language
is indicating. This helps us determine if we feel comfortable around them which
helps us decide if we want to interact with them and how.
When you’re trying to
influence, don’t start by trying to pull others into your here. Instead, go to
their there by to asking yourself:
Am I getting who this person
is?
Am I getting this person’s
situation?
Am I offering options and
alternatives that will help this person move forward?
Does this person get that I
get it?
3. Emotional regulation and
empathy.
Perspective taking relies not
only upon our ability to share emotions with others, but also upon our capacity
to regulate our own emotions. To be effective with others we must be aware of
what might trigger us so we can quickly refocus ourselves on what is happening
with the other. When it comes to empathy, the point is not to ask ourselves
what we would do in any given situation; it’s to try and understand what
another would do.
If our empathic accuracy and
emotional regulation skills are strong we are more successful in our
interactions. We possess the depth and awareness to predict the attitudes,
expectations, and intentions of others that may be very different from our own.
This creates an interpersonal connectedness which is built to thrive and
succeed because people feel heard, validated and understood on the other side
of us.
4. Be interactive.
Studies have shown true empathy does not come about by just imagining what the
person is going through, no matter how hard we try.
We need to interact with the
person by asking and listening to find out the concerns and circumstances as
perceived or experienced by the person. This need for interaction applies to
close family and social relationships, but also relationships between leaders
and followers.
Over time, quality
interactions build mutual trust, reciprocity norms, social cohesion and even
shared values between leaders and followers. All these will motivate them to
see things from each other's perspective, and facilitate conflict resolution
and collaboration.
5. Correctly reading other
people.
The emotions are our
perspective taking guides. They help us to read people. We naturally track the
behaviors of others to try and determine what they are thinking, feeling doing
or planning. Our brains assist us by providing us a social radar system which
helps us determine people’s motives and intentions, even when our attention is
not specifically on them.
Situational Awareness: Show
that You Get “It.” Show that you understand the opportunities and challenges
your conversational counterpart is facing. Offer ideas that work in the
person’s there. When you’ve grasped their reality in a way that rings true,
you’ll hear comments like “You really get it!” or “You actually understand what
I’m dealing with here.”
6. Interpreting words.
Most people speak indirectly,
which requires us to infer the actual meaning of what they are trying to say.
This creates a lot of room for misinterpretation, especially through text or
email. We all know too well that what a person says is not always what that
person actually means. In the workplace, each person has to take into account
every other person’s needs and ideas to figure out how to compliment or add to
the team effort, rather than to detract from it.
What we decide to say or not
say requires that we interpret as accurately as possible what the other person
is trying to say. If we don’t understand or we cannot get a clear idea of where
another is coming from it is important to create dialogue to gain
clarification. Most conflictual situations arise from a misinterpretation of
what another is trying to communicate. Once communication is clear, trust is
gained and success is inevitable.
7. Respecting differences.
Perspective taking requires
the maturity to gain the knowledge and be respectful of another person’s
personal beliefs. When we are disrespectful to another person and their belief
system it is the quickest path to creating separation and division between
people. It is the surest way to upset a coworker, vendor or boss.
It is important to remain
highly attuned to the fact that not all people share our personal views and
beliefs of the world. We must remain open-minded and respectful to what others
believe when relating to them. This means knowing what not to say as much as
means knowing what to say. This makes communication complicated, but it keeps
you open and growing in the process of being able to put yourself aside and be
respectful of the other.
8. Get to know people.
Personal Awareness: You Get
“Them.” Show that you understand his or her strengths, weaknesses, goals,
hopes, priorities, needs, limitations, fears, and concerns. In addition, you
demonstrate that you’re willing to connect with them on a personal level. When
you do this right, you’ll hear people say things like “You really get me!” or
“You actually understand where I’m coming from on this.”
9. Analyze each person’s
personality.
It is easy to enjoy relating
to all kinds of people, however, the way in which we relate to someone has a
lot to with how we perceive them to be as people. When we are around a coworker
who is more serious or intellectual it calls for a different interaction
approach from us then when interacting with someone who is more laid back and
easy going.
Solution Awareness: You Get
Their Path to Progress. Show people a positive path that enables them to make progress
on their own terms. Give them options and alternatives that empower them. Based
on your understanding of their situation and what’s at stake for them
personally, offer possibilities for making things better — and help them think
more clearly, feel better, and act smarter. When you succeed, you’ll hear
comments like, “That could really work!” or “I see how that would help me.”
To some extent we all become
social chameleons, making slight shifts in our behavior to fit the people and
personalities we are around in an effort to best relate to them. This social
adaptation does not make us fake as much as it makes us well-rounded. It allows
us to use many parts of our personality to create positive and effective
relationships. This kind of shifting is what makes us successful with other
people and more whole and successful as individuals.
If we can be more inclusive,
interactive and intermediate when we manage disagreements, many differences may
converge. They become pathways towards common or complementary goals.
If we learn to see things from another's perspective and apply it adequately, we are more likely to prevent misunderstandings, enable constructive conversations and achieve win-win solutions.
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